i spent the day being indecisive and scared to move on. I went down to a music store called Coconuts today and there was a 'Now Hiring' sign up on the door.. but looking at all of the cd's that i already have a majority of and the dvd's of tv shows that i had seen up at college, was as far as i got.I planned for next semester and collected all of the unused paper and pens and the worn out calculator that i had spent many late nights with layed atop the mess of books mainly used for reference. I had planned on seeing nearly everyone i love and miss dearly, my family they were, the closest i have had. The CPA would need someone full of questions and rage and volunteer power this year after chris's leaving and going back home to chicago.I remember the last night outside i spent with Trish,Emotastic,Jake, Sara... my brothers and sisters. I remember the last night i spent outside with everyone, listening, ripping music and watching Cy play Garette's guitar infront of Vandy because the desk workers just didn't care..because the end was so very near. I remeber the last night before the big move out, i spent 2 hours sitting outside Goddare Hall on a concrete bench with john, both of us crying. We didn't have enough time there, not nearly enough. My Family. The People i had spent everyday with eating with,talking with,laughing with,occasioinaly partying with,living with.. i guess where i'm getting is that i am so fucking scared of things changing. I can't face the fact that i will not be going back. I will probably never see many of these people again. Things will never be the way that they were when i left them and i have to grow up. I have to grow up goddamnit and i know this. But i simply cannot. Im pissed at myself for quitting my job before i had a backup and im scared to go someplace. I had to tell john something and i lied. i said i had tried but in all honesty i set myself up for failure, know what i have done, and put an act on for all to see...
I understand that i need a job. But anxiety kicks in whenever i attempt to get one and my people skills are drowned. i suddenly become timid.shy.and unable to communicate without becoming angry sometimes.i've told myself to just get over it. i hate this completely different person i become when faced with challenges and possible failure.but how? how do i do it? I have failed nearly everything i've tried to do and havent achieved much at all. I was a c student in high school, and im now on probation from Vincennes University. because the c just isn't good enough.and now i quit my job just when things started to not turn my way. sure it was only 2.20 an hour, but goddamnit i now realize its fucking better than nothing at all.
I cant just get by with my green background and my vast knowledge of music.. but i need this job.. i just dont know if i can do it.
i just dont know.
depressed![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
splinteredtree's journal
naughty